Lost

It's 7:30 am Monday morning. I'm in the studio. I'm not creating. In fact, the idea of creating both terrifies me and agitates me. I have have two failed sales, and a grant rejection. In one week. I'm seriously starting to doubt myself and my work. Starting to feel paranoid, like I am delusional.

I've been in this sort of position before, but usually with not so many negatives piled on on top another. I will likely end up cleaning and organizing in the studio instead of trying to create. Honestly though, I would like to crawl back into bed under my fluffy comforter and sleep all day.

I feel lost. Unguided. Unsure. Where do I go from here? Do I need to change my style all together? Choose a different medium? Give up entirely? I hate feeling negative, but I feel beaten down!

As an artist, you aren't guaranteed paychecks. You aren't always told you're doing well or badly. You don't get reviews every year. There's no definite criteria on "how your'e doing". There's also not necessarily a checklist of things you can do to improve.

This is definitely a day of self pity for me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of creating art that no one sees, buys, or cares about. At my sale at Coldwater Creek last week, not as single person stopped at my area to look at my work. Not. One.

As a fiber artist, I generally feel a lack of respect from most "viewers". They see fabric and quilting and automatically seem to discount me entirely. And honestly, I am kinda pissed off about it. I feel like the kid on the playground that everyone picks on.

Today I question my strength to keep going in this chosen medium. I feel so alone and lost in this situation. Can't the universe throw me a bone????

A Little Different

I'm sitting in my studio at my desk, a steaming hot cup of black tea next to me. It is my first day of "real" scheduled studio time. Monday morning are now being allocated to writing, for here at Journey of a Fiber artist, but also for The Fiber Nation, and for a new digital magazine that will be available starting early next year. I've also done another first this morning. I have spend some time taking, and altering photos for use with this post. Something I want to do a little more of for future posts.

The hot tea is so very necessary this morning, it's only 34 degrees out right now. Which means my lower level studio is a bit chilly, such is the case with any home in the midwest that is on a cement foundation level!

There are still some leaves on the trees outside, some haven't turned yet, but most have turned - in fact most have fallen off and began blowing around the neighborhood. It's amazing how the seasons can affect what you're producing.

Despite the beauty outside, I am already starting to look forward to the snows. I have a wall of windows in my studio overlooking a wetland preserve, and honestly the most beautiful views out of them occur during the winter months. The trees are bare then, and the underbrush is dead and beaten down. Snow starts to blanket the forest floor, the wetland freezes into a solid surface. The view clears out and I start to notice more squirrels, deer and birds. Most mornings I will be able to see the fox scurrying across the frozen water in search of morning morsels (mice). Nearer to dusk and sometimes very early (near dark) in the morning I can catch a glimpse of a coyote!

There is a silence that comes with a snow, that brings a calm over me like nothing else can. I relish those days, and I look forward to them. My only wish is that the harsh months (particularly January and February) were a bit less harsh or much shorter!

But then, we always want things a little different than they are, don't we?

Organizing the next series..

 I'm busy today working on laying out all of the discharge fabrics I've been working on and group them for putting together pieces. So far so good!

Completed Piece

Completed (?) piece